Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
