does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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