so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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