can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
