I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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