Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
