his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
