I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
