i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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