I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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