Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
