It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
