You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
