I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
