Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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