well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
