just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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