hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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