dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
