my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
