If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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