my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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