just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
