she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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