its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
