i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
