The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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