I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just gargled with NyQuil
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
