This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
