if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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