I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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