you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
