I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
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We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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