i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
