I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
