I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize