How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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