Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
