Yo dont text me then not text me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
