i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy