He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.