I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
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Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
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I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Found your bra
Hanging in the tree