I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
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He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
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Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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