He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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