My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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