Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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