People in love make me want to vomit
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
