His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
