he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need water and some morals
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
