if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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