I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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