i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Use "feeling words"
Yay
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
