Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
what is it with giant penises always finding me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
