we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
