Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
