I wish I could punch you in the face.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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