1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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