Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
