he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
