he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
