I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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