now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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