I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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