I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
